thoughts.

I’m tired… I’m so tired of always “having to be” this super overly happy Silje, which I almost always seem to be, unless people know me to the core.
I’m tired of smiling and laughing when all I really want is to crumple up in a corner and just cry.
I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of that I just cannot act “normal” and be in a plain mood, when that is how I really feel…. Just plain – simple… ordinary… no pattern….. just… one color.   
Why do I keep making myself seem even happier than I am when I am at my happiest.. when I am really dying inside?
I’ve put myself in this situation. I can’t get out. This is how I am in their eyes. Always….
If I stop pretending now, they’d think I had changed. They’d think I wasn’t being me. They’d think something would be wrong. Because this is how it is. This is who I am.

They think they know, they know me. The truth is; they don’t. They only know the façade.
A couple of times they’ve seen, through tiny holes, what’s hiding behind the walls I built – but they’ve never seen what’s hiding in the caves.

I wish I could stop putting a mask on. I’m not in control. It’s like I do not have a choice. But… I know I have a choice. My “select” button just broke – and I’m too broke to fix it.

I’m sorry if this post was too melancholic, I normally don’t do these sorts of posts, but I just had to get some things out of my system… If you don’t like posts like this, that’s okay, this is mostly just for myself.
I got the inspiration, for letting my feelings out this way, from my boyfriends sister, who’s got a blog as well.
This is her video, which inspired me (it’s in danish though):

Ps. I might do a post or two more – this style – I’m not done yet.

Goodnight :)