So I haven’t been blogging for a while now.. There are so many reasons for that, but well, this is what I started writing approximately 2 weeks ago… I never got to publish it though….. I just felt like I couldn’t – Something stopped me… I guess it was just too hard, but here it goes:
“I don’t know what to do or say right now……. I really just want to do all of these posts… I just can’t…….. I can’t overcome anything anymore.. It has all come to be too much now.
It’s hard…… life is hard – I used to think that life was so easy to live and it was only ourselves that made it hard.. I was wrong….. But I mean, it was a perfectly positive way to look at it – It was just not reality..
You see, life is complicated.. There are so many different “recipes” on how to live your life the perfect and ideal way.. It’s just that none of them are correct – They’re all right and they’re all wrong. We’re all different. We all live our lives differently… and the truth is.. that only YOU know how to live YOUR life the best way, in order to be happy and reach your goals in life. So what’s right for you, may not be right for me. That’s how it is.
Well, now I’m sidetracked from this “story”…..
So this is how I’m feeling these days..
…I’m all alone – even when I’m with people, I still feel like the loneliest girl in this world.
I cry all the time…. and when you don’t see me crying – if you see me smiling – trust me, I’m still crying.. it’s just on the inside.
I’m so freaking tired all the time – I just want to go to bed when I get home from school.. nothing more, nothing less.
I don’t even feel like eating these days – and that does not seem like me – but I do it anyway because I know it’s good for me.
My psoriasis and my rashes seem to get worse the whole time.. It’s all coming back rapidly – Like god, I HATE this.
And once again, I don’t want to see anybody – but really!… I try SO hard to be social… I don’t wanna risk losing anymore friendships, like the last time I went through a rough period like this – That only made Things worse.
But still, what can I do?… I don’t feel capable of anyting – Mostly I just find myself wanting to quit – just wanting to quit everything………”
Well, as I mentioned in the beginning, I didn’t publish this… probably because it was opening up a little too much, a little too fast for me, I guess.. But today I’m feeling better – so I felt like putting it out there anyway :)
Also… a couple of weeks ago after writing this, I found that I had turned into some sort of a “robot”… Suddently after having felt all of these strong emotions I felt… NOTHING!..
It was like my soul had just left my body – It was such a surreal experience!?
The only feeling I had left, was that I was scared… I was scared I was soon losing myself completely after 5 years of intense “personality-crisis”… It was like I had turned into stone – My mind was cold as ice and it was like I was becoming immune to emotions…. I therefore tried to fake myself into feeling something, and actually after a while it helped and I could finally feel again – just the same old sadness – but it was better than feeling nothing.
I hope that everything will get better from now on – I know I can get through this!.. I’ve been through so much – I know I can!
Finally after 5 years, I’m trying to go see I psycologist and then I also need to get my work-outs started – Let’s hope it all makes me feel better very soon :) :)
I know it’s one step at a time… and today I am happy :)